Scared

First topic message reminder :

I have an appointment with my CMHW worker today and I'm feeling really nervous about it. I wrote a note to her about my feelings and my observations. I'm afraid of showing it to her. I'm afraid she'll get mad at me or get defensive.

Note to CMHW

I feel afraid. I'm worried that if I open up to you and be honest with you that you'll slam the emotional door in my face. You've slammed the door on me before when I tried to connect with you. I felt rejected, scared and hurt when you did that. I'm afraid to get close to you or to care about you. I'm afraid that if I do I'll get hurt.

I've also been picking up on what I think are feelings of fear and insecurity coming from you when we meet at my place or when we are out in the community. I pick up on it when you respond to me or someone else. It's a feeling in the environment. I feel like you put up a lot of emotional walls and that it's driving a wedge between you and I. Because of the wedge between us I'm afraid of losing you and I spend more time and energy trying to feel safe and secure in the relationship than I spend trying to get better.

I hope we can work through this.

Would anyone reading this feel offended by this after reading it?

I met with my therapist. I showed her the letter and we talked about it. We talked about professional boundaries since it's been something I've been struggling with. We talked about emotions and using a "dimmer switch" to regulate my emotions so they aren't so intense. With me, my emotions are either on or off, like a light switch, and when they're on they are really intense. When they are off I'm in a complete analytical/rational state of mind. I told her I wish I was good at using a "dimmer switch" to regulate and turn down (but not off) my emotions. I told her the "dimmer switch" concept doesn't come naturally to me. We worked out a plan. I'm going to track my emotions by writing them down in a notebook. She said the first step is just being aware of them. I can't remember if I'm supposed to write down what triggered the emotion or not. I'll need to call and ask.

I didn't harm myself at all. I privately meditated on the bus on the way to my appointment to help me feel more relaxed. It helped. My anger decreased. I felt peaceful and safe.

I have more to write about but I'm feeling really tired. Will finish up later.

tandem wrote:

I put all the responsibility on her for boundaries being maintained. I'm disappointed in myself for it.

Please try not to be disappointed in yourself.

It's her job to maintain boundaries. In this instance, she's the professional, and you're the client.

You did your part in this relationship, you clearly and honestly told her what you needed.
And she responded very well.
You have a good, working, professional relationship.
And of course, it's complicated, full of transference and projection and all that stuff, and of course she can't be the mum you never had. All that stuff.
But she can care for you as a professional, look after your adult needs, while (now, because you were brave enough to tell her) also keeping a careful eye on your emotional, more regressive ones.

It really isn't your job to manage boundaries, here.
I know this isn't a fully psychotherapeutic relationship, and that this isn't what a CMHW does.
But in my first (5 year long) psychotherapy, I maintained the boundaries all the time, 'cos I didn't trust my T to do so.
As a result I got very, very little out of the therapy.

I'd try to trust her, if I were you. Unlike many clients, you've established a way to let her know, clearly, what you need.
And you can use that to continue to support you if you feel uncomfortable with how she handles the boundaries, if she does.

And if you have any choice at all, I hope you don't go hurting yourself.
You don't want to, she wouldn't want you to, nobody here wants you too.
The stress ball sounds like a REALLY good idea.



tandem

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Thank you tandem. I'll take your advice to heart and use it when I can.

I left a message on my CMHW's voicemail yesterday and she hasn't called me back. She's always returned my calls the same day. I'm kinda freaking out. I've been telling myself that she's probably just trying to maintain boundaries but the panic button has been pushed. I'm feeling really anxious. Should I leave another message asking her to call me back so I can make sure she's okay or should I not call her?

I agree with shadow. Give her an opportunity to call. Maybe she's working in the community or at a meeting and unable to return your call. If she doesnt return your call today then I recommend calling her first thing Monday morning.

I know this isn't a fully psycho therapeutic relationship, and that this isn't what a CMHW does.

J, your relationship with your CMHW is a fully psychotherapeutic. Don't be fooled.

You have a good, working, professional relationship.
And of course, it's complicated, full of transference and projection and all that stuff, and of course she can't be the mum you never had. All that stuff.
But she can care for you as a professional, look after your adult needs, while (now, because you were brave enough to tell her) also keeping a careful eye on your emotional, more regressive ones.

.
J, you are experiencing nothing different from what I am experiencing in therapy. Transference is transference and projection is projection. Testing boundaries are just that. Everyone tests boundaries. That's ok. Its not a bad thing.

I'd try to trust her, if I were you.

Trust is a process...... It happens naturally in its own time

I told her I wish I was good at using a "dimmer switch" to regulate and turn down (but not off) my emotions. I told her the "dimmer switch" concept doesn't come naturally to me.

I don't think it comes naturally to anyone, We all have problems. Wouldn't be great if we could turn it off and on

I privately meditated on the bus on the way to my appointment to help me feel more relaxed.

Meditation is a excellent coping skill. Used in CBT/DBT. If you are having difficulty writing try talking into a hand held tape recorder. Transcribe later or just save in tape

Your doing a good joob. It is important to learn boundries but also to realize that your not alone with it. Your CMHW is also too learning. Don't be so hard on yourself, Ok?

Wiz

I've been catching up on sleep a lot. I was starting to get sick a little bit I think. I was feeling chilled all the time. I could have had 5 heavy blankets piled on top of me and I still would have been cold.

I meet with my CMHW on Tuesday. I feel frustrated and angry that she didn't return my call (the one to set up a meeting place for our appointment that we both could get to easily instead of meeting in my home). I'm worried about how the appointment is going to go.

I'm trying hard to get back my sense of self / my separateness. For that to happen though things need to change. I'm trying to do that. I came up with the idea of us meeting in a public place (like a library or coffee shop) instead of my apartment and for me to take a bus to that location for the appointment and then back home when it's over instead of her picking me up and driving us there and then dropping me off. I wanted to do that for Tuesdays appointment but it looks like it's not going to happen cuz she hasn't called me back and whenever I've left a message she's always called me back the same day. We'll probably be meeting at my place AGAIN

I feel like we've stopped working as a team. I feel like lines of communication have been broken. Things aren't moving as smoothly as they once were. I feel like a road block has been hit.

It could be she didn't get your message? It's hard because it really feels you are wanting to get things to a more comfortable place. It's also hard because she doesn't have the knowledge and training to really get what it feels like for you emotionally in the attachment - which is very real, very painful and is an adult issue too! - if we have a bad start it causes us problems with relating as adults doesn't it - and part of us needs to try and get those unmet needs met. it sounds like she doesn' really understand that for you which is hard and must be frustrating too. I hope you can talk about how it is feeling. Can you take it to therapy too?

Big hugs xx

sky wrote:It could be she didn't get your message? It's hard because it really feels you are wanting to get things to a more comfortable place. It's also hard because she doesn't have the knowledge and training to really get what it feels like for you emotionally in the attachment - which is very real, very painful and is an adult issue too! - if we have a bad start it causes us problems with relating as adults doesn't it - and part of us needs to try and get those unmet needs met. it sounds like she doesn' really understand that for you which is hard and must be frustrating too. I hope you can talk about how it is feeling. Can you take it to therapy too?

Big hugs xx

What I think might have happened is that she received the message but didn't understand what I was trying to communicate. I also think that the reason she's not returning my calls is because she's also trying to set and maintain boundaries in the best way she knows how. So we're both running around in circles trying to set boundaries the best way we know how but not really getting anywhere. That's what it seems like to me anyway.

I feel frustrated and angry (maybe a little hurt and disappointed too) when she tells me that attachment is a childhood thing. If it's specifically a childhood thing than why am I still experiencing it over and over again with different people now as an adult? How can I get her to understand that I feel like a child in an adult body? I feel like I'm a child trying really hard to be an adult in an adult world and play by rules that haven't been taught or explained to me.
How can I get her to understand that I haven't developed emotionally past age 5 and that I need someone to help me "grow up" and to teach me the things I need to know so I can function as an adult instead of pretending to be one.

It is frustrating when she doesn't seem to understand. It's like she's going by what she learned from a textbook in school. What's also frustrating is that I can't pick who I form an attachment to. If I had a choice I would have picked someone that knows how to work with this stuff. I would have picked my therapist who can actually work with this stuff.

I have talked about this with my therapist. I showed her the letter I wrote to my CMHW and we talked about it also.

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I've been thinking about it and I think the best thing to do in this situation with my CMHW is to request that we have one appointment where we talk about what each of our boundaries are and write them down on paper. After a while go back and review it in case any of our boundaries have changed it can be edited. It's the only thing I can think of doing to get things back on track so that I can start to feel like I'm a separate person again.

PS: Sorry for this post being so long and wordy...guess I just have a lot to say.

shadow wrote:I think it sounds like a great idea and maybe you wanting to take some control back over your life? I think it is great and if she doesnt get in touch with you before Tuesday I hope you will be able to discuss it with her on the day. I somehow see it as a huge step for you.

I would like to talk to her about it... I just hope that she's open to talking about it.

Wisdom wrote:I agree with shadow. Give her an opportunity to call. Maybe she's working in the community or at a meeting and unable to return your call. If she doesnt return your call today then I recommend calling her first thing Monday morning.

I know this isn't a fully psycho therapeutic relationship, and that this isn't what a CMHW does.

J, your relationship with your CMHW is a fully psychotherapeutic. Don't be fooled.

You have a good, working, professional relationship.
And of course, it's complicated, full of transference and projection and all that stuff, and of course she can't be the mum you never had. All that stuff.
But she can care for you as a professional, look after your adult needs, while (now, because you were brave enough to tell her) also keeping a careful eye on your emotional, more regressive ones.

.
J, you are experiencing nothing different from what I am experiencing in therapy. Transference is transference and projection is projection. Testing boundaries are just that. Everyone tests boundaries. That's ok. Its not a bad thing.

I'd try to trust her, if I were you.

Trust is a process...... It happens naturally in its own time

I told her I wish I was good at using a "dimmer switch" to regulate and turn down (but not off) my emotions. I told her the "dimmer switch" concept doesn't come naturally to me.

I don't think it comes naturally to anyone, We all have problems. Wouldn't be great if we could turn it off and on

I privately meditated on the bus on the way to my appointment to help me feel more relaxed.

Meditation is a excellent coping skill. Used in CBT/DBT. If you are having difficulty writing try talking into a hand held tape recorder. Transcribe later or just save in tape

Your doing a good joob. It is important to learn boundries but also to realize that your not alone with it. Your CMHW is also too learning. Don't be so hard on yourself, Ok?

Wiz

Thank you for being so gentle, supportive and empathetic wiz. I had to take some time to absorb it all emotionally. That's why I hadn't replied sooner.

If you are having difficulty writing try talking into a hand held tape recorder. Transcribe later or just save in tape

Thank you for the idea.

I wanted to thank all of you for your support, guidance and for listening. My life feels really empty without all of you. When I didn't have a computer for a while I felt so lonely, isolated and depressed because I wasn't able to read posts or connect with all of you.

You are a big part of my support system. Whenever I feel confused, lost, frustrated or angry I turn to all of you and when I experience a success, have a really good day or have a good idea you are the first people I share it with. I try to offer support also but lately I've been having a hard time finding words so instead I've been trying to be a healthy role model for the members of the forum.

Thanks again everyone. Thanks sky for creating this forum.

Little red