Scared

I have an appointment with my CMHW worker today and I'm feeling really nervous about it. I wrote a note to her about my feelings and my observations. I'm afraid of showing it to her. I'm afraid she'll get mad at me or get defensive.

Note to CMHW

I feel afraid. I'm worried that if I open up to you and be honest with you that you'll slam the emotional door in my face. You've slammed the door on me before when I tried to connect with you. I felt rejected, scared and hurt when you did that. I'm afraid to get close to you or to care about you. I'm afraid that if I do I'll get hurt.

I've also been picking up on what I think are feelings of fear and insecurity coming from you when we meet at my place or when we are out in the community. I pick up on it when you respond to me or someone else. It's a feeling in the environment. I feel like you put up a lot of emotional walls and that it's driving a wedge between you and I. Because of the wedge between us I'm afraid of losing you and I spend more time and energy trying to feel safe and secure in the relationship than I spend trying to get better.

I hope we can work through this.

Would anyone reading this feel offended by this after reading it?

I think it is honest and sincere and clearly states how you feel. It sounds like the pain lies in the realisation that she cannot give you what you need? Also it's difficult because she doesn't do what a therapist can do and work with the relationship - her relationship with you is more practically based - that is more her remit. But of course that is painful because you want and need to heal the child part of you. I hope your therapist can help you some more with this too - can work through the unmet dependency needs that are so painful for you.

Hugs

Sky xx

Very good luck with it.
Sounds like if she doesn't hear this, (and she may not, even after you show her), then it'd be impossible to work with her for much longer, anyway.

It sounds honest, clear, and unattacking.
If she doesn't 'get' that, then there's probably no way through.

Thinking of you, today.
When's the appointment?


tandem

I hope the meeting goes well.

I think what you've written is very honest and from your heart; and I hope she will understand and it will help your relationship.

sky wrote:I think it is honest and sincere and clearly states how you feel. It sounds like the pain lies in the realisation that she cannot give you what you need? Also it's difficult because she doesn't do what a therapist can do and work with the relationship - her relationship with you is more practically based - that is more her remit. But of course that is painful because you want and need to heal the child part of you. I hope your therapist can help you some more with this too - can work through the unmet dependency needs that are so painful for you.

Hugs

Sky xx

You put what I'm experiencing into words so well sky. Thank you. I hope I can work through this in therapy too.

The major difficult I'm having is that I've latched onto my Community Mental Health Worker and letting go is going to be difficult and scary for the internal/emotional "baby" part of me. I can imagine myself trying to but then also fighting against it internally and wanting to cling to her more. When I pull myself away from her and create some emotional distance somewhere deep inside me I'm having an emotional temper tantrum and running back to her. It's tormenting. It's hell.

shadow wrote:No I wouldnt feel offended at all. I would feel sad for you. But then someone who hasnt done any work on themselves might take it the wrong way no matter how kind you try to be about something.
I dont know what a CMHW worker is or does but I hope that she will understand what you are trying to say to her. Good luck and let us know how it went. If you want.

CMHW stands for Community Mental Health Worker. She's part of the ARMHS (Adult Rehabilitation Mental Health Services) program. The focus of the appointments usually is working on goals that the CMHW work and client created together with the end goal being psychiatric rehabilitation and mental health stability.

Thanks. I will post an update on how it went.

Thank you tandem.

The appointment is today at 2 pm. Right now it's 6:12 am.
tick-tock-tick-tock Feels like time is going by so slow. Maybe I'll go back to sleep.

Thinking of you today hope your appoinment goes well

Hearing your torment, your letter sounds very open, clear and honest, not offending.

Here listening sending soothing hugs



Little red

little red wrote:Thinking of you today hope your appoinment goes well

Hearing your torment, your letter sounds very open, clear and honest, not offending.

Here listening sending soothing hugs



Little red

Thank you Little Red.

The appointment went well. It was very painful for me though. I showed her the letter, she asked who the letter was for and I said "For You". I would have preferred her just reading it and us moving on and doing something else but she wanted to talk about it. She said she thought talking about it was important so we did. I spent the whole time with my arms around my head and my face on the table. I didn't want her to see me hurting, sad and crying.

After she left I laid down on my bed and curled up with the blanket my previous therapist gave me. I needed some comforting.

I feel kind of raw right now. It's too painful for me to talk about the details of what we talked about.

OK. With you, cradling you head in my arms.

On the other hand, maybe talking about it can start something? Rather than close it down?

Just a thought.
Here. A pillow on my shoulder. No need to touch. But it's made for a sad head...

Sending karma and compassion

Wiz

Here with you Jenny

Glad your appointment went well you had a lot of courage giving your T the letter well done, hearing you pain talking about it must have been painful and seems to have made you feel vulnerable

I didn't want her to see me hurting, sad and crying.

But you did it which is great

Hold onto that blanket, here listening, thinking of you

Love and bear hugs

Little red

It sounds so painful. I am glad you can soothe yourself when it feels so raw.

Big hugs xx

She told me I was brave for showing that letter to her. It's one of the hardest things I think I've ever done. I felt so much shame while we were talking about it. I can't even remember what she said. It's like it's blocked off from my memory. I just remember wanting to run into the bathroom and locking the door behind me. I told her that and she thanked me for not doing that. It would have been easier for me emotionally to give her the letter on her way out the door at the end of the meeting (we call it "Door Therapy"-waiting to mention the important stuff until the end of the appointment when it can't be talked about cuz the appointment is over.)

She was very empathetic and compassionate. She told me I was brave after I showed it to her.

The painful part now is accepting reality- that she can't be the mom that I wanted when I was a child...and the mom that I still want now. Before showing her the letter I could still live in my fantasy world where she was mom and my needs were being met and where I was loved. I feel like that fantasy world has been popped like a bubble. Reality is painful.

I think she's right.
It was brave. Very.

Necessary, since you really DID need to share the letter with her, but very brave.
And well done, indeed, for not just shoving it at her on the way out of the door.
I'm not convinced "Door Therapy" is therapy at all, even though it's very tempting, sometimes

Anyway, kust to say I think you should feel proud of yourself, and it's sad she'll never be your mum, but to be fair to her, she was never really going to managed that.
Sounds like a good person, and a genuine and caring CMHW, at least, which is a great start!


tandem

tandem wrote:I think she's right.
It was brave. Very.

Necessary, since you really DID need to share the letter with her, but very brave.
And well done, indeed, for not just shoving it at her on the way out of the door.
I'm not convinced "Door Therapy" is therapy at all, even though it's very tempting, sometimes

Anyway, kust to say I think you should feel proud of yourself, and it's sad she'll never be your mum, but to be fair to her, she was never really going to managed that.
Sounds like a good person, and a genuine and caring CMHW, at least, which is a great start!


tandem

Thank you tandem. I don't think "Door Therapy" is therapy either. I learned the term from my previous therapist.

I'm not sure if I feel proud of myself or not at the moment, my anxiety is so high that it's making it hard for me to get in touch with other feelings.

I'm scared of the unknown. Now that I've showed her the letter I'm going through a "What's next? Where do I go from here? What should I do now?" I was working on making a list of things I can do if I'm suicidal while she was reading the letter. After she got done reading it she said "This changes everything" I'm not sure if she meant the direction the meeting was going to go or if she meant the way we relate to each other.

When she said that I continued working on the list. She said "As a professional this is something I just can't ignore". I knew that but I also wish we could have put it off to the side until the next meeting when I didn't feel so vulnerable. I made it through though.

I think what's best for me right now is to have some emotional space. Maybe meet every other week instead of every week. Or maybe meet in a public area instead of in my home. Doing that would make maintaining boundaries a lot easier for me. Home is a very intimate setting and I realized last night that us meeting in my home is blurring the professional boundaries for me.

I'm still scared.

Listening to your fear Jen, and also admiring your incredible courage and self awareness . . . . . . I am so happy you have shared with us, and I hope you can keep moving forward despite your fears. You are doing so "well", and are so willing to work through things . . . . . . you keep hanging in there, and please be sure that you do indeed take the space you need to keep your strength at a decent level . . . . . . . . hope you can feel proud of being able to be so honest Jen . . . . . . it is the only way you will achieve the full healing that you so deserve . . . . .

Good to hear from you, and hoping that things will soon feel less fearful for you . . . . . .

I'm an emotional mess. I need to complain. I only got 4 hours of sleep. I'm tired, cranky, stressed out, frustrated, angry, overwhelmed. My emotions are so intense I feel like all I can do to get some relief is cry. I woke up at 4:30 am, started cleaning dishes at 5 am, cleaned my kitchen and bathroom from 6-7. I'm willing to do anything that doesn't involve harming myself to feel like I have some control back cuz right now my emotions feel so out of control. I know from past experiences that harming myself only brings temporary relief and then later on I feel bad about myself because of harming myself. I feel remorseful, guilty, responsible, sad. I put all the responsibility on her for boundaries being maintained. I'm disappointed in myself for it. My frustration level is so high I feel like bashing my head into a wall just to let it out. I'm not going to though. Maybe I'll throw my stress ball at the wall instead. It's not as destructive.

Here listening hearing your frustration and anger

have some control back cuz right now my emotions feel so out of control.

Keep moving forward your doing so well

Thinking of you

Love and hugs

Little red

I put all the responsibility on her for boundaries being maintained. I'm disappointed in myself for it.

Please try not to be disappointed in yourself.

It's her job to maintain boundaries. In this instance, she's the professional, and you're the client.

You did your part in this relationship, you clearly and honestly told her what you needed.
And she responded very well.
You have a good, working, professional relationship.
And of course, it's complicated, full of transference and projection and all that stuff, and of course she can't be the mum you never had. All that stuff.
But she can care for you as a professional, look after your adult needs, while (now, because you were brave enough to tell her) also keeping a careful eye on your emotional, more regressive ones.

It really isn't your job to manage boundaries, here.
I know this isn't a fully psychotherapeutic relationship, and that this isn't what a CMHW does.
But in my first (5 year long) psychotherapy, I maintained the boundaries all the time, 'cos I didn't trust my T to do so.
As a result I got very, very little out of the therapy.

I'd try to trust her, if I were you. Unlike many clients, you've established a way to let her know, clearly, what you need.
And you can use that to continue to support you if you feel uncomfortable with how she handles the boundaries, if she does.

And if you have any choice at all, I hope you don't go hurting yourself.
You don't want to, she wouldn't want you to, nobody here wants you too.
The stress ball sounds like a REALLY good idea.



tandem

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I met with my therapist. I showed her the letter and we talked about it. We talked about professional boundaries since it's been something I've been struggling with. We talked about emotions and using a "dimmer switch" to regulate my emotions so they aren't so intense. With me, my emotions are either on or off, like a light switch, and when they're on they are really intense. When they are off I'm in a complete analytical/rational state of mind. I told her I wish I was good at using a "dimmer switch" to regulate and turn down (but not off) my emotions. I told her the "dimmer switch" concept doesn't come naturally to me. We worked out a plan. I'm going to track my emotions by writing them down in a notebook. She said the first step is just being aware of them. I can't remember if I'm supposed to write down what triggered the emotion or not. I'll need to call and ask.

I didn't harm myself at all. I privately meditated on the bus on the way to my appointment to help me feel more relaxed. It helped. My anger decreased. I felt peaceful and safe.

I have more to write about but I'm feeling really tired. Will finish up later.

tandem wrote:

I put all the responsibility on her for boundaries being maintained. I'm disappointed in myself for it.

Please try not to be disappointed in yourself.

It's her job to maintain boundaries. In this instance, she's the professional, and you're the client.

You did your part in this relationship, you clearly and honestly told her what you needed.
And she responded very well.
You have a good, working, professional relationship.
And of course, it's complicated, full of transference and projection and all that stuff, and of course she can't be the mum you never had. All that stuff.
But she can care for you as a professional, look after your adult needs, while (now, because you were brave enough to tell her) also keeping a careful eye on your emotional, more regressive ones.

It really isn't your job to manage boundaries, here.
I know this isn't a fully psychotherapeutic relationship, and that this isn't what a CMHW does.
But in my first (5 year long) psychotherapy, I maintained the boundaries all the time, 'cos I didn't trust my T to do so.
As a result I got very, very little out of the therapy.

I'd try to trust her, if I were you. Unlike many clients, you've established a way to let her know, clearly, what you need.
And you can use that to continue to support you if you feel uncomfortable with how she handles the boundaries, if she does.

And if you have any choice at all, I hope you don't go hurting yourself.
You don't want to, she wouldn't want you to, nobody here wants you too.
The stress ball sounds like a REALLY good idea.



tandem

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Thank you tandem. I'll take your advice to heart and use it when I can.

I left a message on my CMHW's voicemail yesterday and she hasn't called me back. She's always returned my calls the same day. I'm kinda freaking out. I've been telling myself that she's probably just trying to maintain boundaries but the panic button has been pushed. I'm feeling really anxious. Should I leave another message asking her to call me back so I can make sure she's okay or should I not call her?